
I'd Like to Play Alone, Please
Essays
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Narrated by:
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Tom Segura
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By:
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Tom Segura
About this listen
From a massively successful stand-up comedian and co-host of chart-topping podcasts “2 Bears 1 Cave” and “Your Mom’s House,” hilarious real-life stories of parenting, celebrity encounters, youthful mistakes, misanthropy, and so much more.
Tom Segura is known for his twisted takes and irreverent comedic voice. But after a few years of crazy tours and churning out podcasts weekly, all while parenting two young children, he desperately needs a second to himself. It’s not that he hates his friends and family — he’s not a monster — he’s just beat, which is why his son’s (ruthless) first full sentence, “I’d like to play alone, please,” has since become his mantra.
In this collection of stories, Tom combines his signature curmudgeonly humor with a revealing look at some of the ridiculous situations that shaped him and the ludicrous characters who always seem to seek him out. The stories feature hilarious anecdotes about Tom's time on the road, including some surreal encounters with celebrities at airports; his unfiltered South American family; the trials and tribulations of parenting young children with bizarrely morbid interests; and, perhaps most memorably, experiences with his dad who, like any good Baby Boomer father, loves to talk about his bowel movements and share graphic Vietnam stories at inappropriate moments. All of this is enough to make anyone want some peace and quiet.
I’D LIKE TO PLAY ALONE, PLEASE will have listeners laughing out loud and nodding in agreement with Segura's message: in a world where everyone is increasingly insane, sometimes you just need to be alone.
PLEASE NOTE: When you purchase this title, the accompanying PDF will be available in your Audible Library along with the audio.
©2022 Tom Segura (P)2022 Grand Central PublishingListeners also enjoyed...
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-
Story
When Norm Macdonald, one of the greatest stand-up comics of all time, was approached to write a celebrity memoir, he flatly refused, calling the genre “one step below instruction manuals.” Norm then promptly took a two-year hiatus from stand-up comedy to live on a farm in northern Canada. When he emerged he had under his arm a manuscript, a genre-smashing book about comedy, tragedy, love, loss, war, and redemption. When asked if this was the celebrity memoir, Norm replied, “Call it anything you damn like.”
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Bizarre, funny ride
- By Michael Chauvin on 09-25-16
By: Norm Macdonald
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Is This Anything?
- By: Jerry Seinfeld
- Narrated by: Jerry Seinfeld
- Length: 6 hrs and 19 mins
- Unabridged
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Since his first performance at the legendary New York nightclub “Catch a Rising Star” as a 21-year-old college student in fall of 1975, Jerry Seinfeld has written his own material and saved everything. “Whenever I came up with a funny bit, whether it happened on a stage, in a conversation, or working it out on my preferred canvas, the big yellow legal pad, I kept it in one of those old school accordion folders,” Seinfeld writes. “So I have everything I thought was worth saving from 45 years of hacking away at this for all I was worth.”
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Joke, joke, joke. Boring, boring, boring.
- By ECMILLER on 10-11-20
By: Jerry Seinfeld
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Jim Gaffigan: Quality Time
- By: Jim Gaffigan
- Narrated by: Jim Gaffigan
- Length: 1 hr and 13 mins
- Original Recording
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Jim Gaffigan is in top form for his seventh comedy special. The four-time Grammy nominated comedian doesn’t understand why we aren’t more honest about the reasons we don’t want to attend events, while at the same time embraces lying to kids. From horses and dog birthdays to traveling and museums, Jim continues to impress. Get ready to sit back and enjoy some Quality Time with Jim Gaffigan!
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This is just one of his comedy shows
- By Virginia Snyder on 08-21-20
By: Jim Gaffigan
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Crash and Burn
- By: Artie Lange, Anthony Bozza
- Narrated by: Sean Runnette
- Length: 10 hrs and 54 mins
- Unabridged
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At a high point in his career, Artie Lange performed a sold-out show in Carnegie Hall-and he did it with a pocketful of heroin. In the midst of a deep, self-destructive depression, addicted to heroin, cocaine, and prescription drugs, he lashed out at everyone around him-from his cohosts on The Howard Stern Show to celebrity guests and even his longtime friends. Then came his legendary meltdown on-air, with 6 million people listening, after which Lange pulled himself together enough to go to a buddy's bachelor party in Amsterdam.
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[Narrator Fail] Comic Genius+Depression+Drugs=Mess
- By Hilary on 11-07-13
By: Artie Lange, and others
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This Is Not Fame
- A "From What I Re-Memoir"
- By: Doug Stanhope
- Narrated by: Doug Stanhope, Chad Shank, full cast
- Length: 11 hrs and 15 mins
- Unabridged
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Doug Stanhope has been drunkenly stumbling down the back roads and dark alleys of stand-up comedy for over a quarter of a century, roads laden with dank bars, prostitutes, cheap drugs, farm animals, evil dwarfs, public nudity, menacing third-world police, psychotic breaks, sex offenders, and some understandable suicides. You know, just for levity. While other comedians were seeking fame, Stanhope was seeking immediate gratification, dark spectacle, or sometimes just his pants.
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The extras are whats worth it.
- By Patrick H. on 05-18-18
By: Doug Stanhope
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The Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee Book
- By: Jerry Seinfeld, Full Cast
- Narrated by: Jerry Seinfeld
- Length: 10 hrs
- Unabridged
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Over eleven seasons and eighty-four episodes, Jerry Seinfeld drove around in classic cars, grabbing coffee and chatting with the funniest people alive. The result was not only a hilarious collection of casual yet intimate conversations but arguably the most important historical archive about the art of comedy ever amassed. Now that archive is preserved in the form of a carefully curated audiobook collection of excerpts from the show. Seinfeld has handpicked the show’s keenest insights and funniest exchanges.
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meh
- By Anonymous User on 07-14-23
By: Jerry Seinfeld, and others
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Yearbook
- By: Seth Rogen
- Narrated by: Seth Rogen, full cast
- Length: 6 hrs and 13 mins
- Unabridged
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Hi! I’m Seth! I was asked to describe my audiobook, Yearbook for websites and shit like that, so...here it goes!!! Yearbook is a collection of true stories that I desperately hope are just funny at worst, and life-changingly amazing at best. (I understand that it’s likely the former, which is a fancy “book” way of saying “the first one.”) I talk about my grandparents, doing stand-up comedy as a teenager, bar mitzvahs, and Jewish summer camp, and tell way more stories about doing drugs than my mother would like.
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Good until it turned political
- By atk0623 on 05-20-21
By: Seth Rogen
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Running the Light
- By: Sam Tallent, Kyle Kinane - foreword
- Narrated by: Greg Chaille, Tracy Chaille, Trae Crowder, and others
- Length: 10 hrs and 26 mins
- Unabridged
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Debauched, divorced, and courting death, Billy Ray Schafer is a comedian who has forgotten how to laugh. Over the course of seven spun-out days across the American Southwest, he travels from from hell gig to hell gig in search of a reason to keep living in this bleak and violent glimpse into the psyche of a thoroughly ruined man. Ex-inmate, ex-husband, ex-father - comedian is the only title Schafer has left. Trapped in the wreckage of his wasted career, Billy Ray knows the answer to the question: What happens when the opportunity doesn't come - or worse - it comes and goes?
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don't let comedians do a voice actors job
- By Scott Reesor on 07-09-21
By: Sam Tallent, and others
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Comedy Comedy Comedy Drama
- A Memoir
- By: Bob Odenkirk
- Narrated by: Bob Odenkirk, Steve Rudnick, Leo Benvenuti
- Length: 7 hrs and 52 mins
- Unabridged
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Bob Odenkirk’s career is inexplicable. And yet he will try like hell to explicate it for you. Charting a “Homeric” decades-long “odyssey” from his origins in the seedy comedy clubs of Chicago to a dramatic career full of award nominations - with a side trip into the action-man world that is baffling to all who know him - it’s almost like there are many Bob Odenkirks! But there is just one and one is plenty. Featuring humorous tangents, wild characters, and Bob’s trademark unflinching drive, Comedy Comedy Comedy Drama is a classic tale told by a determined idiot.
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Not great
- By D. Moore on 04-12-22
By: Bob Odenkirk
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Where the Deer and the Antelope Play
- The Pastoral Observations of One Ignorant American Who Loves to Walk Outside
- By: Nick Offerman
- Narrated by: Nick Offerman
- Length: 11 hrs and 43 mins
- Unabridged
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A humorous and rousing set of literal and figurative sojourns as well as a mission statement about comprehending, protecting, and truly experiencing the outdoors, fueled by three journeys undertaken by actor, humorist, and New York Times best-selling author Nick Offerman
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By far his worst work to date.
- By Aron on 10-21-21
By: Nick Offerman
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The Way I Heard It
- By: Mike Rowe
- Narrated by: Mike Rowe
- Length: 7 hrs and 55 mins
- Unabridged
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Emmy-award winning gadfly Mike Rowe presents a ridiculously entertaining, seriously fascinating collection of his favorite episodes from America’s number-one short-form podcast, The Way I Heard It, along with a host of memories, ruminations, and insights. It’s a delightful collection of mysteries. A mosaic. A memoir. A charming, surprising must-have. Mike Rowe’s The Way I Heard It collects 35 fascinating stories “for the curious mind with a short attention span”.
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I could listen to Mike read all day. And I am!
- By Amazon Customer on 10-15-19
By: Mike Rowe
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Wanna Bet?
- A Degenerate Gambler's Guide to Living on the Edge
- By: Artie Lange
- Narrated by: Oliver Wyman
- Length: 6 hrs and 32 mins
- Unabridged
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The two-time best-selling author, comedian, actor, and radio icon explains the philosophy that has kept his existence boredom-free since the age of 13 - the love of risk. An avid sports better and frequent card player, Lange believes that the true gambler gets high not from winning, but from the chaotic unknown of betting itself. He recounts some of his favorite moments, many of which haven't involved money at all. In this candid and entertaining memoir, he looks back at the times he's wagered the intangible and priceless things in life: his health, his career, and his relationships.
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who needs Artie (to read)
- By B. Wenners on 08-24-18
By: Artie Lange
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A Very Punchable Face
- A Memoir
- By: Colin Jost
- Narrated by: Colin Jost
- Length: 7 hrs and 41 mins
- Unabridged
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If there’s one trait that makes someone well-suited to comedy, it’s being able to take a punch - metaphorically and, occasionally, physically. Told with a healthy dose of self-deprecation, A Very Punchable Face reveals the brilliant mind behind some of the dumbest sketches on television, and lays bare the heart and humor of a hardworking guy - with a face you can’t help but want to punch.
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Amazing
- By Erin E. Kace on 07-27-20
By: Colin Jost
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Too Fat to Fish
- By: Artie Lange
- Narrated by: Artie Lange
- Length: 7 hrs and 56 mins
- Unabridged
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A natural storyteller with a bottomless pit of material, Lange grew up in a close-knit, working-class Italian family in Union, New Jersey, as a maniacal Yankees fan who pursued the two things his father said he was cut out for: sports and comedy. Wild, shocking, and drop-dead hilarious, Too Fat to Fish is Artie Lange giving everything he's got to give. And like a true pro, the man never disappoints.
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great book, horrid readers
- By John on 03-18-09
By: Artie Lange
What listeners say about I'd Like to Play Alone, Please
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- Amazon Customer
- 06-14-22
JEAN
This book was such a fun read. It’s especially the great if you have been listening to YMH and his stand up for years. I clean houses so I have a lot of time to listen, once I started I couldn’t stop. Congrats on another accomplishment under your belt. The name of the book was extra special and I love that you greet your kids like your dad would greet you <3 You hit it out of the park per usual. Sending love to the whole Jean and Mommy family. Keep those jeans high and tight. You bet I’m coming up in May.
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- jerry howell
- 06-14-22
Tim did a good job
a very funny collection of stories from a talented comedian. Garth should give it a listen and see hows it's done. touch my camera through the fence
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- Quinn Garner
- 06-16-22
Hilarious!
Absolutely loved this listen. Thank God Tom narrated it himself, wouldn't have been same if not. Funniest parts were him laughing (or struggling not to) at his own stories. Such a funny guy!
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- Liz
- 06-30-22
Tom Segura
I enjoyed every chapter of this book, it was funny and clever. Nothing truly helps me more than comedy does, this book was fantastic. I smiled and laughed through out it all.
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- Don Washington
- 06-30-22
A must have in your library!!
I have watched all his stand ups, and he is easily one of my top 20 comedians lifetime.
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- Jesse L.
- 06-16-22
Epic
if you're a mommy and your jeans are high and tight, or you know a mommy Jean then this is for them! I got the audio book and hardcover!
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- Darson Clelland
- 06-20-22
Wow
Tom always has a way with words. I love listening to his podcast and I even saw him when he came to Cleveland. I have a signed copy of the book and the audio book. The part about his dad hits hard and I can even relate to thinking I was a D 1 athlete (im not, im Burt fat) RIP Top Dog. Love ya tommy bet im coming up in may
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- Miss Quin
- 06-20-22
loved it
I really loved it. Tom is awesome I've loved his stand up for years and listening to him share more stories is always a treat.
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- Kaelin Thrasher
- 06-20-22
Hilarious!!! Listen to this book!!!
Tom Segura is hilarious to begin with, this book only proves it. Read this book!!
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- Logan Hall
- 06-20-22
Awesome
I'm so glad I purchased the audio book of this as there is no way these stories and jokes would have held the same weight without Tom telling them himself.
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