HEY! DOES ANY OF THIS APPLY TO YOU?

• Is your fiancé a workaholic asshole?
• Does he know all your secrets, including that you're afraid of the dark?
• Do you actually want to fuck the construction worker/shoe salesman you met while wearing an eyepatch?
• Do you want to kill yourself?
• Will your fiancé and boytoy proceed to have a long, intense shirtless indoor basketball match where they fight-out their feelings for each other and you?

IF ANY OF THIS APPLIES TO YOU - WRITE IN TO TELEVISED: THE TV MOVIE STORY AND WE'LL TURN YOUR STORY INTO AN EPISODE OF A 5 SEASON ANTHOLOGY SERIES THAT FOR SOME REASON EXISTS

OR YOU CAN JUST LISTEN TO THIS EPISODE OF OUR PODCAST ABOUT RED SHOE DIARIES STARRING DAVID DUCHOVNY (y'know - from The X-Files!) (more like The SEX Files lol)

Beverly and Laurence are hosting a little get together in order to get acquainted with their new neighbors, Angela and Tony, also inviting over the long-divorced Sue, to give her a place to be while her daughter Abigail hosts a party at her place.

That is the premise. And what follows is some of the most painfully awkward and banal conversation ever spoken on a television screen. For 100 minutes, you are trapped with these characters as they slowly morph in perception from being just painfully dull to quietly (or, for some, loudly) evil, but still evil in the most mundane, human sense of it.

And it's great. An early masterwork from Mike Leigh.

Which Cheetah Girl are you?

Q1: What is your name reminiscent of?

A. A shopping center

B. A perfume brand or fashion icon

C. Water

D. Other

Q2: If you were in a band, what would your role be?

A. Leader

B. Speaking Spanish

C. Costume Designer

D. Choreographer

Q3: If the band were to break apart, how would YOU be at fault?

A. Being bossy

B. Cheating on your group with a side-singer

C. ????

D. Fucking a twink

Q4: If you were in a movie, who would play you?

A. Raven SymonéB. Adrienne BailonC. Kiely WilliamsD. Sabrina Bryan

If you answered mostly A - You're Galleria! You're the famous one! If you answered mostly B - You're Chanel! The Latina one. If you answered mostly C - You're Aqua! The quirky one! If you answered mostly D - You're Dorinda! The adopted one! If you had a tie, you're not a Cheetah girl! You're scum!

To kick off our Month of Guest Stars: Karl, a major Whovian, has brought with him the one Doctor Who TV Movie. Well, it was intended to be a pilot but once it flopped it now stands as just a lone TV movie with an incarnation of The Doctor only seen in this film (but heard many other places), a version of the Master played by Eric Roberts, and companions that are legally not allowed to appear anywhere else, even though this film features the first companion that The Doctor has a romance with.

That's what this film brings to the table on the surface. Within the film, we have cum snakes, Y2K, Chinese gangsters, atomic clocks, and a Special Appearance by Will Sasso as Pete. It's weird, it's bold, and it's got Eric Roberts! LISTEN NOW!

For Eliza's last pick of the month, she brought on friend of the podcast (and its hosts) to talk about a legendary German TV Movie. Locked away for decades, The Million Game had built up a mythic reputation as a film that felt so real yet so disturbing that it had never been allowed to be shown again (when, really, it was just because the people who made it didn't actually have the rights to do so.)

When the film was finally allowed to be screened again in the early 2000s, the German public found one of the earliest entries in the death game genre, a satire on the world of reality TV before reality TV had even been invented, and just a damn good movie. For those who haven't seen The Million Game, watch it now. For those who have, listen to Gordon, Eliza, and Christof discuss all its strengths.

When her daughter fails to get on the Cheerleading Team, Wanda Holloway (Holly Hunter, in an Emmy-winning role) goes to drastic measures in order to try and right this wrong and get her on the team. The drastic measures in question? Talking to her ex-Husband's brother (Beau Bridges, also in an Emmy-winning role)? And for this crime she is arrested and it all becomes a big media scandal. Yes, the Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom did not even murder a Cheerleader or the Cheerleader's Mom, only discussed it, but that alone is a crime that tantalized America.

For our Thanksgiving Episode, we review everyone's favorite TV Movie based on an early 2000s web series that also aired on TV after episode of Queer as Folk that features gay anthropomorphic animals with a cast and crew comprising of almost exclusively straight people. It's Queer Duck! The Movie!

Join Gordon and Eliza as we try to wrap our heads around this movie that is simultaneously awful and amazing in ways that are both intended and unintended. The animation is awful, the voice cast is stacked, the jokes are cringey (which is sometimes good, sometimes not), and the songs ain't half bad! Do we recommend you watch it? Well, listen and decide for yourself.

Gordon and Eliza have decided they are sick of the modern world and sick of writing terrible poetry and decide to live in A DEPARTMENT STORE!!! Perhaps, when they get there, they'll instead find a commune of elderly people who live there, along with their young maid (Ella Harkins, played by Charmian Carr), kept as a slave to prevent her from spilling their secrets to the outside world. Perhaps Charles Snell (Anthony Perkins) will be able to teach her about the outside world and maybe even take her there, saving her from Miss Monday. Or, will the Darkmen catch them first?