Showing results by narrator "Nick John" in All Categories

Are the kids asleep? Yes? Good. This one isn’t for them. Now, if your weary, grown-up mind has been searching for a snarkier alternative to your favorite childhood tales, this Audible Original, hosted by Nick Offerman (Parks & Recreation), will scratch that itch - and then some. Enjoy a hilarious collection of short stories, featuring performances from the likes of Tommy Chong (Cheech & Chong), Tony Hale (Veep), Patton Oswalt (The Goldbergs), and David Spade (Saturday Night Live).

Make sure the kids aren’t around! Just because you’re a grown-up doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the art of the children’s bedtime story. Nick Offerman presents this collection of 12 short stories written in the style of a classic kids' tale, but with a decidedly dark and adult approach. What really happened after Snow White died, from the perspective of the one medically trained dwarf? A naive wizard professor reports back from the trenches of an underprivileged school of magic. And much more!

Sure, it would've been easy killing Two Diamond Joe with a second shot. No man takes a .44 round square between the eyes and survives. But Jeston Nash only wants his prize horse back from the man, and a fast trail out of the New Mexico badlands. Together again with Quiet Jack, Nash is on a hunt that will take him through unforgiving terrain, a tangle of firebrand beauties, and even into a lawman's trust - before squaring off with most ruthless pack of gunmen ever to rule the desert frontier.

After breaking from life with the Pack, mercenary Kate Daniels and her mate–former Beast Lord Curran Lennart–are adjusting to a very different pace. While they’re thrilled to escape all the infighting, Kate and Curran know that separating from the Pack completely is a process that will take time. But when they learn that their friend Eduardo has gone missing, Kate and Curran shift their focus to investigate his disappearance. As they dig further into the merc’s business, they discover that the Mercenary Guild has gone to hell.

In the realm of Imphallion, there once was a nightmare - a living nightmare known only as the Terror of the East. Nigh invulnerable in his magical black armor and aided by unholy minions, he laid waste to all in his path on his all-consuming quest to bring order to the land. His order. Then, at what should have been his moment of triumph, his will failed. And his army fell. Taking a young noblewoman as hostage, he escaped, vanishing into darkest memory.

Abandoned by her allies, the Republic of Venice holds out as the last beacon of resistance against the hobgoblin armies. Armed with new weapons the Southern Horde drives upon the floating city by land and sea. The Northern Horde drives deep into the heart of Europa and all fall before it. The Horde is vast beyond measure. Assassin daggers lurk in every shadow. Necrotic evil seeps and infects.

A taste of what you'll find: 13 unhinged POVs, tropical island forced proximity for all, superheroes x villains x aliens x a very irritated pregnant normie, MM romance (and a little FF, too), everybody gets some (and it's filthy, duh, men in corsets, hoochie daddy shorts, and Gambit crop tops, slooty besties having slooty fantasies about each other (good thing their stellar collisions are into it), rabble chat in every chapter (on top of the IRL ballbusting), feel-good family moments and all the schmoop, and the usual naughty humor and witty banter.

For 17 years, Ty Mattson never knew if his father survived the Mexican War. But when he receives news that his father is alive - and he's joined the Confederate forces of General John Morgan - Ty leaves home to enlist with Morgan's Raiders. Owen Mattson turns out to be everything Ty imagined he would be: a good man, a true mentor, a great soldier. But a Confederate assassin's bullets nearly divide father and son yet again.

Duff MacCallister has just returned from a trip back to his native Scotland - more determined than ever to build a new future in Chugwater Valley, Wyoming. But Duff will do it his way, buying up a herd of rare Scottish black angus from the Kansas City market. He can’t know that his dream is threatened by a man driven by one desire: to take other people’s money and other people’s lives.

Deep below a desolate Utah mountain lies the largest platinum deposit ever discovered. A billion-dollar find, it waits for any company that can drill a world-record three-mile-deep mine shaft. EarthCore is the company with the technology, the resources, and the guts to go after the mother lode. Young executive Connell Kirkland is the company’s driving force, pushing himself and those around him to uncover the massive treasure. But far beneath the surface, where the rocks are so hot they burn bare skin, something has been waiting for centuries. Waiting...and guarding.

Colter Farrow was just a skinny cow-puncher when the men came to Sapinero Valley and murdered his best friend, whose past as a gunfighter had caught up with him. Now, Cole must strap on his Remington revolver, deliver some justice, and make a reputation of his own.

Set in a lethal pro football league 700 years in the future, THE ROOKIE is a story that combines the intense gridiron action of "Any Given Sunday" with the space opera style of "Star Wars" and the criminal underworld of "The Godfather." Aliens and humans alike play positions based on physiology, creating receivers that jump 25 feet into the air, linemen that bench-press 1,200 pounds, and linebackers that literally want to eat you. Organized crime runs every franchise, games are fixed and rival players are assassinated.

In his mountain-man days, Elwood “Firestick” McQueen was practically a living legend. His hunting, tracking, and trapping skills were known far and wide. But it was his deadly accuracy with a rifle that earned him the Indian name “Firestick.” His two best buddies are Malachi “Beartooth” Skinner—whose knife was as fatal as a grizzly’s chompers—and Jim “Moosejaw” Hendricks, who once wielded the jawbone of a moose to crush his enemies in the heat of battle. Of course, things are different nowadays.

From the best-selling author of Assassination Vacation and Unfamiliar Fishes, a humorous account of the Revolutionary War hero Marquis de Lafayette - the one Frenchman we could all agree on - and an insightful portrait of a nation's idealism and its reality. Lafayette in the Somewhat United States is a humorous and insightful portrait of the famed Frenchman, the impact he had on our young country, and his ongoing relationship with instrumental Americans of the time.

After being attacked by a demon in the one place he thought he was safe, Eric Carter has been killed, his soul sent to take its place as a stand-in for the Aztec god of death Mictlantecuhtli. But somebody on Earth isn't done with him, yet. Somebody with the power to bring him back from the dead. He doesn't know who, and worse he doesn't know why. Between an angry death goddess, family secrets steeped in blood, a Djinn who's biding his time, and a killer mage who can create copy after copy of himself, Eric's new life looks to be just as violent as his last one.

Colter Farrow’s branded face is a constant reminder of why he’s been on the run for so long. But his plan to return home and confront his past backfires when he’s framed for the murders of two men. Men who turn out to be US Deputy Marshals. Resigned to living on the lam, Colter heads to Utah Territory, where a desperate town marshal offers him a job as — of all things — a lawman. What better way for a man to hide from the law than to become part of it?

Mick Oberon may look like just another 1930s private detective, but beneath the fedora and the overcoat, he’s got pointy ears and he’s packing a wand.

Spin - The Rumpelstiltskin Musical: A witty musical reimagining of Grimm's fairy tale Rumpelstiltskin, created by Broadway veterans, narrated by Jim Dale, and featuring a cast of Broadway musical stars. The story takes place in a Nice Little Kingdom, and ignites when a foolish miller brags that his daughter, Jane, can spin straw into gold. Since she cannot perform such a miracle, Jane desperately enlists the powers of a magical being...Rumpelstiltskin...in exchange for a promise with dire consequences. A fun, fractured fairy tale for the entire family.

A powerful, compulsively thrilling, vivid, and moving tribute to the experience of war and PTSD, The White Donkey tells the story of Abe, a young marine recruit who experiences the ugly, pedestrian, and often meaningless side of military service in rural Iraq. He enlists in the hope of finding that missing something in his life but comes to find out that it's not quite what he expected. Abe gets more than he bargained for when his journey takes him to the Middle East, in war-torn Iraq.

After the massacre of the entire G-Men franchise, the company sends their supes on a bacchanalia of a vacation at an island getaway, and the Boys keep an eye on the festivities and the guests, some of whom are worming their way to the highest levels of government. The Boys are then targeted, and one is ambushed. And we get a clearer picture of the backgrounds of Mother's Milk, Frenchie, and The Female.