Dr. Rob and Tami answer participant questions about rebuilding trust through intimate conversations, ideas for setting healthy boundaries after betrayal, and the danger of an addict swearing that they’re done acting out for the rest of their life.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:15] Current and upcoming resources at Seeking Integrity.

[3:20] Do sponsees pay upfront or make monthly payments?

[4:45] Are there agnostic 12 Step programs?

[8:22] Ideas for connection activities that rebuild trust?

[16:01] My husband is attending groups to placate me but is not participating. Is this normal?

[20:04] Setting healthy boundaries after betrayal.

[21:35] What are the statistics surrounding porn sobriety?

[24:15] The danger of swearing that you’ll never act out ever again.

[31:39] You are the only person that can take care of you.

[33:30] Don’t believe an addict when they are love-bombing you.

[36:41] Are 30% of men on dating sites really already married?

[40:32] Recommended sources for healing the shame of my partner’s betrayal?

[49:52] Is there a way to engage in self sexuality that would not be considered acting out?

[53:40] What is the recommended protocol for moving through fallout from a therapeutic disclosure?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “When people come together and try to support each other and find a way to heal as a group, to me, that is a spiritual experience.”

• “To understand what I’m going through and really listen to me, that is intimacy.”

• “The only thing I can guarantee is that I’m consistently working on this and I’m committed to it.”

• “You are the only person that can take care of you.”

Debbie McRae and Tami tackle ‘betrayal brain’, the intrusive thoughts, and emotional flooding that often accompany betrayal. When the brain is in survival mode, neurological and psychological effects are out of the betrayed partner’s control. They discuss tactics to regain control when the brain is hijacked.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:26] When betrayal occurs, the architecture of the brain is reshaped.

[4:50] Warning signs of betrayal brain.

[5:46] Four areas of the brain are affected by betrayal.

[10:45] Triggers can occur even when the relationship feels safe.

[12:07] Regaining control when the brain is hijacked.

[25:37] Self-compassion practices and therapy after betrayal.

[27:30] The betrayed partner has no control over how the brain is going to react.

[31:41] Keeping regulation expectations simple.

[33:54] Does my PTSD and anxiety make it harder to overcome betrayal brain?

[40:12] What boundaries can I enact with a sex addict who is breaking the law?

[46:17] Handling abandonment to create safety.

[49:10] How can I increase my functionality to what it was before PTSD?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “When betrayal occurs, it shatters trust in an instant.”

• “Even neutral interactions that the betrayed partner is experiencing can be triggering.”

• “The betrayed partner has no control over how the brain is going to react when it senses threat.”

• “Self care is brain care.”

Dr. Rob and Tami tackle hard questions about sex and intimacy in the wake of betrayal. They cover the role of a spouse in supporting their partner ‘for better and for worse”, how to set boundaries that take care of you first, and addressing the trauma and intrusive thoughts that often come after disclosure.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:20] Where do personal responsibility and societal norms come into play?

[7:27] A spouse’s job is to take care of themselves.

[12:30] How can I deal with my trauma and intrusive thoughts about my partner’s acting out?

[18:56] Acknowledging the level of troubled your partner really is.

[23:07] How can we connect through non-sexual intimacy?

[30:02] Is it common for people with addictions to seek out others with similar problems?

[38:42] Does our marriage counselor also need to be a CSAT?

[41:42] My spouse is refusing a polygraph test. How can I ever trust him?

[46:50] Should I address porn viewing or obsessive masturbation first?

[49:47] My partner has been with underage girls. How do I handle this?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “As an addict, I need people to support me and relate to me, but as a spouse, that’s not your job.”

• “Addicts are not bad people. They’re broken people.”

• “If I fight my addict, I’m going to lose every time.”

• “The more questions you ask, the more questions it will bring up.”

• ‘Express what you need but don’t blame if you’re not getting it.”