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Understanding and Healing Trauma: A Guide to Emotional Freedom

In this episode of "It's Not You, It's Your Trauma," Joe Ryan explores the profound connection between trauma, fear, and connection. He emphasizes that many of us avoid uncomfortable feelings—whether through busyness, substances, or distraction—because we're afraid of our body's reactions and the pain they bring.

Joe highlights that our deep desire for connection often clashes with our fear of intimacy, especially if we've experienced childhood neglect or abuse. This disconnect from ourselves manifests as anxiety, panic, shame, and emotional numbness. To heal, he advocates for getting comfortable with discomfort by intentionally sitting with our feelings, particularly in quiet, safe environments. This exposure helps tame the "beast" of unresolved trauma.

He stresses that addiction is often a misguided attempt to numb these feelings, but ultimately, every addiction fails and worsens emotional suffering. Instead, Ryan encourages reconnecting with the "inner child"—the vulnerable part of ourselves that was silenced or abandoned in childhood—and integrating these suppressed emotions into our adult consciousness.

The process involves recognizing that feelings are energy in motion that need to be felt and released. Avoidance only deepens the pain and shrinks our world. Through mindful presence, breathing into discomfort, and allowing ourselves to feel, we can begin to heal and reclaim emotional freedom. Ryan assures that while this work can be challenging, it is essential for long-term well-being and authenticity.

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It’s Not You - It’s Your Codependency

Years ago, I was trapped in a cycle of disappointments and betrayals, constantly searching outside myself to fill the voids left by my upbringing. It was a painful realization: relying on others to heal childhood wounds never truly worked. Growing up in a codependent family system, I often felt alone, even when surrounded by people. These dynamics stifled my personal growth, kept me emotionally dependent on others—especially that negative parent—and pulled me deeper into toxic relationships. Does this sound familiar?

We should have been taught independence, autonomy, and self-reliance. We should have been prepared to enter the world with confidence and competence—but we weren’t. If you’ve ever wondered why, consider this: Do you know how powerful it is for a parent to have a child who needs them for validation? That’s addictive. More powerful than any drug. And it makes you easy to exploit and manipulate.

Every disappointment, every betrayal, every hurt—it’s all just another lesson. When you don’t believe you can function on your own, you seek out relationships to compensate for that incompetence. You look for someone to take care of you, to fill the void when things get too hard, to handle the issues you don’t want to face. And then, when they leave, you’re right back where you started. The cycle repeats.

It’s time to start rooting for yourself and fighting for yourself. Stop wasting your energy on people who will never complete you. The painful truth is that no one else can fill the voids left from childhood. But once you accept that, you can begin breaking free from toxic patterns. You can reclaim your life, stand confidently on your own, and experience the empowerment that comes from truly knowing yourself.

The goal isn’t to need people—it’s to want them. And when you finally prove to yourself that you don’t need anyone else to survive in this world, that’s when you’ll be truly ready for genuine, healthy relationships.

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It’s Not You – It’s Your Reluctance to Change

Gaslighting isn't just a word—it's a way of life for some people. They thrive in toxic relationships where happiness hinges on external validation. They lack self-respect, self-discipline, and self-love. They don't love at all—they take hostages. But here’s the truth: the prison door is open. You can walk out anytime you want. The only thing holding you back is fear. It’s time to take responsibility and rediscover your self-respect.

Gaslighting often stems from the perpetrator's own unresolved issues, but the power to lessen its effects lies within you. Changing your reactions can disrupt harmful patterns and create space for growth—not only for yourself but for those around you.

Waiting for others to change is a losing game. Instead, focus on your own personal growth and self-acceptance. These are the tools you need to navigate and neutralize toxic dynamics effectively. When you emerge on the other side, gaslighting will lose its grip on you—because you simply won’t care anymore.

If you want a better life, start by getting to know yourself—the good, the bad, and the ugly. The deeper your self-awareness, the freer you become.

They are stuck in time, and so are you. But gaslighting is no longer anyone else’s responsibility except yours. Reclaim your self-worth, break free from the cycle, and step into a life defined by authenticity and inner peace.