
You Better Not Cry
Stories for Christmas
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Narrated by:
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Augusten Burroughs
About this listen
Augusten Burroughs has, and in this caustically funny, nostalgic, poignant, and moving collection he recounts Christmases past and present - as only he could. With gimleteyed wit and illuminated prose, Augusten shows how the holidays bring out the worst in us and sometimes, just sometimes, the very, very best.
©2009 Island Road, LLC. (P)2009 Macmillan Audio.Listeners also enjoyed...
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Relentlessly Tedious
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Dry
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At the request (well, it wasn't really a request) of his employers, Augusten lands in rehab, where his dreams of group therapy with Robert Downey Jr. are immediately dashed by grim reality of fluorescent lighting and paper hospital slippers. When Augusten is forced to examine himself, he finds himself in the worst trouble of all. Because when his thirty days are up, he has to return to his same drunken Manhattan life - and live it sober. Dry is the story of love, loss, and Starbucks as a Higher Power
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Sobriety with a sense of style....
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Welcome to the troubled world of Sellevision, America's premier retail broadcasting network. When Max Andrews, the much-loved and handsome (lonely and gay) host of "Slumber Sunday Sundown" accidentally exposes himself in front of twenty million kids and their parents during a "Toys for Tots" segment, Sellevision faces its first big scandal. As Max fails to find a job in television, another host, the popular and perky Peggy Jean Smythe is receiving sinister emails about her appearance from a stalker.
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A Peek behind the Scenes..
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Sobriety with a sense of style....
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Overall
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Performance
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A Peek behind the Scenes..
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Toil & Trouble
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- By: Augusten Burroughs
- Narrated by: Anne Bobby, Augusten Burroughs, Gabra Zackman, and others
- Length: 12 hrs and 10 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
For as long as Augusten Burroughs could remember, he knew things he shouldn't have known. He manifested things that shouldn't have come to pass. And he told exactly no one about this, save one person: his mother. His mother reassured him that it was all perfectly normal, that he was descended from a long line of witches, going back to the days of the early American colonies. And that this family tree was filled with witches. It was a bond that he and his mother shared - until the day she left him in the care of her psychiatrist to be raised in his family.
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Critic reviews
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From the #1 bestselling author of Running with Scissors and Dry—a contagiously funny, heartwarming, shocking, twisted, and absolutely magical collection. True stories that give voice to the thoughts we all have but dare not mention. It begins with a Tang Instant Breakfast Drink television commercial when Augusten was seven. Then there is the contest of wills with the deranged cleaning lady. The execution of a rodent carried out with military precision and utter horror. Telemarketing revenge. Dating an undertaker. And much more.
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When Augusten Burroughs was small, his father was a shadowy presence in his life: a form on the stairs, a cough from the basement, a silent figure smoking a cigarette in the dark. As Augusten grew older, something sinister within his father began to unfurl. Something dark and secretive that could not be named. Betrayal after shocking betrayal ensued, and Augusten's childhood was over. The kind of father he wanted didn't exist for him. This father was distant, aloof, uninterested.
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This book should come with a Warning
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Holidays on Ice
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- By: Augusten Burroughs
- Narrated by: Augusten Burroughs
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Story
To say that Augusten Burroughs has lived an unusual life is an understatement. From having no formal education past third grade and being raised by his mother’s psychiatrist in the seventies to enjoying one of the most successful advertising careers of the eighties to experiencing a spectacular downfall and rehab stint in the nineties to having a number one bestselling writing career in the new millennium, Burroughs has faced humiliation, transformation and everything in between.
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Toil & Trouble
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
For as long as Augusten Burroughs could remember, he knew things he shouldn't have known. He manifested things that shouldn't have come to pass. And he told exactly no one about this, save one person: his mother. His mother reassured him that it was all perfectly normal, that he was descended from a long line of witches, going back to the days of the early American colonies. And that this family tree was filled with witches. It was a bond that he and his mother shared - until the day she left him in the care of her psychiatrist to be raised in his family.
-
-
Slime Flux
- By Pamela Harvey on 10-16-19
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Running with Scissors
- A Memoir
- By: Augusten Burroughs
- Narrated by: Augusten Burroughs
- Length: 7 hrs and 37 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
Running with Scissors is the true story of a boy whose mother (a poet with delusions of being Anne Sexton) gave him away to be raised by her psychiatrist, a dead ringer for Santa and a lunatic in the bargain.
-
-
NOT what I was expecting
- By Art H on 04-25-03
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Magical Thinking
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- By: Augusten Burroughs
- Narrated by: Augusten Burroughs
- Length: 8 hrs and 30 mins
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Overall
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Performance
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From the #1 bestselling author of Running with Scissors and Dry—a contagiously funny, heartwarming, shocking, twisted, and absolutely magical collection. True stories that give voice to the thoughts we all have but dare not mention. It begins with a Tang Instant Breakfast Drink television commercial when Augusten was seven. Then there is the contest of wills with the deranged cleaning lady. The execution of a rodent carried out with military precision and utter horror. Telemarketing revenge. Dating an undertaker. And much more.
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A Wolf at the Table
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Performance
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When Augusten Burroughs was small, his father was a shadowy presence in his life: a form on the stairs, a cough from the basement, a silent figure smoking a cigarette in the dark. As Augusten grew older, something sinister within his father began to unfurl. Something dark and secretive that could not be named. Betrayal after shocking betrayal ensued, and Augusten's childhood was over. The kind of father he wanted didn't exist for him. This father was distant, aloof, uninterested.
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This book should come with a Warning
- By Barbara on 11-23-08
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Holidays on Ice
- Featuring Six New Stories
- By: David Sedaris
- Narrated by: David Sedaris
- Length: 4 hrs and 19 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
-
Story
David Sedaris's beloved holiday collection is new again with six more pieces, including a never before published story. Along with such favorites as the diaries of a Macy's elf and the annals of two very competitive families, are Sedaris's tales of tardy trick-or-treaters ("Us and Them"); the difficulties of explaining the Easter Bunny to the French ("Jesus Shaves"); and what to do when you've been locked out in a snowstorm ("Let It Snow").
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Best When In SantaLand
- By Dave on 12-06-11
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This Is How
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- By: Augusten Burroughs
- Narrated by: Augusten Burroughs
- Length: 6 hrs and 31 mins
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
To say that Augusten Burroughs has lived an unusual life is an understatement. From having no formal education past third grade and being raised by his mother’s psychiatrist in the seventies to enjoying one of the most successful advertising careers of the eighties to experiencing a spectacular downfall and rehab stint in the nineties to having a number one bestselling writing career in the new millennium, Burroughs has faced humiliation, transformation and everything in between.
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What listeners say about You Better Not Cry
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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Overall
- Rhonda Christofferson
- 12-14-17
Fab book for soft-hearted smart asses.
He captures poignant Christmas moments of true love & beauty and the way they find their way to our hearts.
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- Rebecca Hancock
- 12-09-21
Laugh-out-loud funny, tragic, awkward ❤️
So many people have been hating on Augusten’s reading pace, I thought the poor guy deserves a positive vote. YES, please realize the narration may not be for you. Listen to a sample. However, differing from many others who found it awful, I absolutely found that his cadence complimented the story and enhanced its humor. I listened to the book on multiple nights going to sleep as we approach Christmas; I loved it. I hope you’ll give Augusten’s stylistic choices a chance!
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- HorrorHoneyBeeMia
- 01-19-23
Merry and Bright
I love this author so I’m very much the target audience. This is crass and shocking and disturbing and funny and heartwarming all at once, in all the best ways.
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- Victoria Lucas
- 02-19-15
fantastic, as usual
I want to listen to sellevision, but it's the only book the author doesn't read himself. I love the authors voice.
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- Lilly
- 11-25-21
Always a wild read
I have always loved his books. Took me a moment to enjoy how it was read.
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Overall
- jenn
- 11-20-09
For his fans...
I admit I laughed out loud many times in the car while listening to this book. If you are a fan of Augusten Burroughs (as I am), you will enjoy these stories (and you will be prepared for the total insanity that is his childhood.) The downfall is his narration. It seemed as though he was trying something new ,and I'm not sure it worked. Burroughs last book "A Wolf at the Table" was markedly different in style and voice than his previous books. He carries a bit of that into this book as well. His reading can feel stilted and disjointed. Long spaces where you don't expect them. It's much more enjoyable when he begins "telling the story" as opposed to picking the words out one by one as if he's not sure what he wants to say. All in all,though, this is a funny book and a nice addition to my library.
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- Becky
- 02-03-10
I don't know what to say here
To begin with, I adore anything Augusten writes. I have also thoroughly enjoyed his previous works with him telling the story as only he can. However....I have to say I'm confused over this last reading of his and have to wonder if he read so slowly to make the audible version longer. What else can it be? And this is why I have to give 3 stars vice 5. Augusten, if you read our reviews, please consider changing your style for your next book. Your work is too precious and unique to be messed up with the dead slow, often frozenly disjointed way you read this last one. On the other hand, the stories in this book were priceless, especially the one with George. Yes, I cried. I also cried with Shirley and the lost treasure of her singing. This book touched me. Thank you for sharing these memories with us. I look forward to the next book, so get to work :)
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- Matthew
- 12-27-11
Super fun for the holidays.
Where does You Better Not Cry rank among all the audiobooks you’ve listened to so far?
Absolutely Augusten Burroughs. Often awkward, painful and then hilarious. I have been reading him for ten years and I love this one. Not as serious as Not as serious as
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- Suzan
- 07-15-11
Funny, As Usual
The listeners who loathe Augusten's narration fail to realize that his delivery is part of what makes the stories so humorous. Only a narrator who's lived this life of dysfunction can tell it in a way the listener can truly appreciate and laugh at, especially because he's still here to tell the tales and has made a very good life for himself. Can't wait for his next book, and hope it's longer.
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- Joshua D Kahn
- 06-01-21
Why does he read this so damn slow!
Such a funny book but this audio version sucks. He reads it slow like he’s reading to a child and the humor does not come through at all.
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