
Why Won't You Apologize?
Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts
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Narrated by:
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Cassandra Campbell
About this listen
Renowned psychologist and best-selling author of The Dance of Anger sheds new light on the two most important words in the English language - I'm sorry - and offers a unique perspective on the challenge of healing broken connections and restoring trust.
Dr. Harriet Lerner has been studying apologies - and why some people won't give them - for more than two decades. Now she offers compelling stories and solid theory that bring home how much the simple apology matters and what is required for healing when the hurt we've inflicted (or received) is far from simple. Listeners will learn how to craft a deeply meaningful "I'm sorry" and avoid apologies that only deepen the original injury.
Why Won't You Apologize? also addresses the compelling needs of the injured party - the one who has been hurt by someone who won't apologize, tell the truth, or feel remorse. Lerner explains what drives both the non-apologizer and the over-apologizer, as well as why the people who do the worst things are the least able to own up. She helps the injured person resist pressure to forgive too easily and challenges the popular notion that forgiveness is the only path to peace of mind. With her trademark humor and wit, Lerner offers a joyful and sanity-saving guide to setting things right.
©2017 Harriet Lerner. All rights reserved. (P)2017 Simon & SchusterListeners also enjoyed...
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-
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Opened my eyes
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By: Harriet Lerner
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- Breaking the Patterns That Keep You Stuck
- By: Harriet Lerner PhD
- Narrated by: Harriet Lerner PhD
- Length: 1 hr and 28 mins
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
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- Narrated by: Harriet Lerner
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Overall
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Performance
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
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-
-
Quick, concise, tactics and a good narrator
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By: Harriet Lerner
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Life Preservers
- Staying Afloat in Love and Life
- By: Harriet Lerner
- Narrated by: Harriet Lerner
- Length: 3 hrs and 1 min
- Abridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
A practical and invigorating compendium of instruction from one of America's wisest self-help writers, this audiobook covers topics of most common concern to women.
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Direct, clear wisdom
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- Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame That Keeps Us from Optimal Living
- By: Harriet Lerner, Ph.D
- Narrated by: Harriet Lerner
- Length: 3 hrs and 44 mins
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Unhappiness, says best-selling author Harriet Lerner, is fueled by three key emotions: anxiety, fear, and shame. They are the uninvited guests in our lives. When tragedy or hardship hit, they may become our constant companions.
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Very informative and helpful
- By Brenda on 01-30-06
By: Harriet Lerner, and others
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The Mother Dance
- How Children Change Your Life
- By: Harriet Lerner
- Narrated by: Suzanne Toren
- Length: 9 hrs and 38 mins
- Unabridged
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Written from her dual perspective as a psychologist and a mother, Lerner brings us deeply personal tales that run the gamut from the hilarious to the heart-wrenching. From birth or adoption to the empty nest, The Mother Dance teaches the basic lessons of motherhood: that we are not in control of what happens to our children, that most of what we worry about doesn't happen, and that our children will love us with all our imperfections if we can do the same for them.
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Decent information with slight author bias
- By Classic Movie Mom on 10-23-17
By: Harriet Lerner
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An Internet in Your Head
- A New Paradigm for How the Brain Works
- By: Daniel Graham
- Narrated by: Stephen Wojtas
- Length: 7 hrs and 59 mins
- Unabridged
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Whether we realize it or not, we think of our brains as computers. In neuroscience, the metaphor of the brain as a computer has defined the field for much of the modern era. But as neuroscientists increasingly reevaluate their assumptions about how brains work, we need a new metaphor to help us ask better questions. The computational neuroscientist Daniel Graham offers an innovative paradigm for understanding the brain. He argues that the brain is not like a single computer—it is a communication system, like the internet.
By: Daniel Graham
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Make It Happen
- Manifest the Life of Your Dreams
- By: Jordanna Levin
- Narrated by: Jordanna Levin
- Length: 8 hrs and 34 mins
- Unabridged
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Everyone can manifest. We're all doing it - every second of every day - without even realising it. For years, journalist and podcaster Jordanna Levin thought that she was psychic. She would worry about things and they would come true. But she wouldn't just worry, she would feel them, take subconscious action towards them and believe with every cell of her being that they would happen - and most of the time, they did. Until one day she changed the game. If she could manifest mishaps and disasters, why not the things she actually wanted?
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Changed my entire outlook
- By Rochelle Justine on 02-16-22
By: Jordanna Levin
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How to Fix the Future
- By: Andrew Keen
- Narrated by: LJ Ganser
- Length: 9 hrs and 9 mins
- Unabridged
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Former Internet entrepreneur Andrew Keen was among the earliest to write about the dangers that the Internet poses to our culture and society. His 2007 book The Cult of the Amateur was critical in helping advance the conversation around the Internet, which has now morphed from a tool providing efficiencies and opportunities for consumers and business to an elemental force that is profoundly reshaping our societies and our world.
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Pretty good, surprisingly.
- By Benjamin on 04-26-18
By: Andrew Keen
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The Dance of Deception
- A Guide to Authenticity and Truth Telling in Women's Relationships
- By: Harriet Lerner PhD
- Narrated by: Harriet Lerner
- Length: 2 hrs and 59 mins
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When The Dance of Deception was published, Lerner discovered that women were not eager to identify with the subject. "Well, I don't do deception" was a common response. We all "do deception", often with the intention to protect ourselves and the relationships we depend on. The Dance of Deception unravels the ways (and whys) that women show the false and hide the real - even to our own selves. We see how relationships are affected by lying and faking, by silence and pretending and by brave - but misguided - efforts to tell the truth.
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Worth a listen
- By Karen Furey on 11-04-20
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Life Is Hard
- How Philosophy Can Help Us Find Our Way
- By: Kieran Setiya
- Narrated by: Kieran Setiya
- Length: 5 hrs and 52 mins
- Unabridged
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There is no cure for the human condition: life is hard. But Kieran Setiya believes philosophy can help. He offers us a map for navigating rough terrain, from personal trauma to the injustice and absurdity of the world.
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Solid
- By Jason Blum on 10-24-22
By: Kieran Setiya
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Life Can Be Good Again
- Putting Your World Back Together After It All Falls Apart
- By: Lisa Appelo
- Narrated by: Andrea Emmes
- Length: 5 hrs and 38 mins
- Unabridged
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What do you do when you are suddenly navigating a life you didn't sign up for? You never saw this pain coming, and you're facing a future you'd pass up if you could. Lisa Appelo understands deeply. She has experienced the raw emotions and uncertainty that come when everything falls apart. Lisa went to bed married and woke up a widow and single mom to seven children. She wrestled with impossible questions about her future—and then found life-changing answers that gave her the strength to move forward with true joy.
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This book led me to view my grief differently.
- By vwils on 08-21-23
By: Lisa Appelo
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I Love You, but I'm Not in Love with You
- Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship
- By: Andrew G. Marshall
- Narrated by: Andrew G. Marshall
- Length: 8 hrs and 18 mins
- Unabridged
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In I Love You, but I'm Not in Love with You - a real-life relationship guide from couples' counselor Andrew G. Marshall - partners and individuals who have "fallen out of love" or want to rekindle the love that once was will learn how to use Marshall 's program with impressive results. This is a much-needed book to help men and women of all ages in any type of committed romantic relationship to truly understand love and to point out the everyday habits that undermine growing together.
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If you feel stuck in a relationship, this book is a MUST!
- By Christopher on 05-09-19
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How to Lead Smart People
- Leadership for Professionals
- By: Arun Singh, Mike Mister
- Narrated by: Arun Singh
- Length: 7 hrs and 1 min
- Unabridged
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Using over 40 simple lessons, How to Lead Smart People shows you how to manage a team of equals with intelligence and diplomacy. Traditional skills are re-evaluated for the leader of a smart team. Split into three sections: leading yourself, leading your team and leading your organisation, the book offers advice for 360-degree management. How to Lead Smart People teaches core skills such as decision-making and delegating but also soft skills such as delivering good and bad news to team members and how to realise longer-term aims such as building trust and growing your team.
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Useless - waste of time
- By Anonymous User on 01-08-20
By: Arun Singh, and others
What listeners say about Why Won't You Apologize?
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- D. Thomas
- 10-19-17
I'm sorry
Several years ago I read two or three of Ms. Lerner's books. I moved away from self-help over time and I didn't give Ms. Lerner a thought since then. I know now that I have sincerely missed her wise words!
I am 62 retired, married woman in the Mid West. I really have a pretty small life. I go to knitting, and do a lot of genealogy while listening to Audible. I really don't have the need to apologize for much anymore. Or so I thought.
There is wisdom in this book. Not only wisdom on how to apologize right the first time when it really does matter. But how to live with the apology when you are still emotionally involved. Tough stuff. But words worth listening to.
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119 people found this helpful
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- Sophia GB
- 11-09-18
Very healing
This book was very healing for me. It opened me up to receive apologies without judging or controlling the apology. The explanations and examples on how to give an apology are very clear. I definitely have new skills for apologizing and will be open to receiving apologies in difficult situations.
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3 people found this helpful
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- Jonathan Wetenkamp
- 06-25-20
Why Sincerity fails!
So many times we sincerely offer apologies, only to have them dismissed out of hand. This book does an excellent job in untangling the challenging world of relationships, by teaching the art of true apologies.
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1 person found this helpful
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- AS
- 07-03-20
Get to learn to say sorry.
loved it..Throws so much light on the subject. Diction was good.
would like to know on personality disorders.
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- Lata Murti
- 11-10-22
Required Reading for Practical Healing
This book is not just about apologizing but about how to improve any relationship that matters to you, especially when that relationship needs repair. The guidance and examples provided have forever changed how I approach my relationships and communicate in them. I look forward to reading and listening to more from Lerner. I only wish she had narrated this book herself, to lend it more authenticity.
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- Anonymous User
- 11-09-17
very useful to continue the healing process
good narration.
clear communication.
healing and generous toward a real understanding and explanation of what it's like to be human.
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7 people found this helpful
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- Kindle Customer
- 12-06-17
The Anatomy of an Apology
What did you love best about Why Won't You Apologize??
The insight.
What other book might you compare Why Won't You Apologize? to and why?
The Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman
What about Cassandra Campbell’s performance did you like?
Clear articulation and easy on the ear.
Any additional comments?
Harriet Lerner does an excellent job of dissecting and analyzing why we can be reluctant to apologize, how we "faux apologize," and what a genuine apology consists of. There was so much of what she touched on that resonated with my experience, both as apologizer and apologizee.
There was, however, a point in which Harriet and I diverged: forgiveness. She vehemently maintains that forgiveness is not necessary for healing, which I vehemently disagree with. In listening to her reasoning, I found that where we disagreed had to do with the anatomy of forgiveness.
IME, there are at least five domains into which Harriet was conflating the word "forgiveness." She lumped together forgiveness (letting go) with trust (becoming vulnerable to that person again), boundaries (limits on behavior/exposure which prevent future injurious behavior/interaction), reconciliation (the ability to have a functional interaction), and restoration (the full resumption of an open-hearted relationship). When she says, "Forgiveness isn't necessary for healing," what it turned out that she meant was that you don't have to make yourself vulnerable to someone who has wronged you in the past. When she says, "You don't have to forgive 100% in order to forgive," what she is describing is reconciliation that incorporates boundaries. The relationships that she describes as almost/completely forgiving are relationships that are at least reconciled, if not completely restored.
So I maintain the conviction that forgiveness is essential for healing because it requires that the relinquishment pain and woundedness to God's sovereign justice. The other aspects of the damaged relationship play out independently of that.
The balance of the book is an insightful and incisive examination of what we need and need to give in an apology so that we may hear and be heard addressing the behavior that created the breach. I would highly recommend this book along with Gary Chapman's The Five Languages of Apology.
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7 people found this helpful
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- Karrah
- 12-18-20
A good read
This book had a lot of through examples and explanations that I’ll take with me in life.
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- Rob Rizzle
- 04-28-20
If only Christine Baranski were narrating...
It's bothersome that far more often "He" is apologizing to "Her" & "She" forgives "Him" or not. Part of the reason I read this was to try and figure out why some of the people I know, mostly women, are so bad at or seemingly incapable of apologizing. It gave some answers, but the search continues...Leonard's mom would know.
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- CM
- 10-27-20
maybe not for trauma survivors
edit: I crafted an apology to an estranged lover and could not have had better results. ***I actually thought this book was brilliant after first reading/listening to it. I read this book to understand why my family and ex boyfriend won't apologize, but after listening, I wondered if I owed these abusive people apologies, too. After all, because of this book, I could see that they were hurt by me and my reactions to trauma too and likely deserved an apology. My family and I were in a vicious cycle of not validating or respecting each other's perspectives and fights were rampant. I have realized that denial is in fact a way to deal with trauma, and they need support regardless, not my judgement, so I should apologize for that. Actually, that's a big reason I was mad at them- they judged me for my very different way of coping instead of supporting! I can really see how it could deescalate my situation by apologizing first, even to my mother who, unlike my sisters, definitely started it. But still, when a toxic situation like mine is the case, this book falls short. The people in my life are still dangerous for me, and apologizing may not get me an apology eventually, but instead, vulnerability to more harm. I regularly see a talented therapist specializing in trauma and attachment and she disagreed with the author's notion that I should apologize to my family at all, or to my ex, as they still haven't done the work, and it takes two. I'm left with more questions than answers. If you don't have serious relationship issues in general, I can definitely recommend this book.
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