
Dance of the Reptiles
Rampaging Tourists, Marauding Pythons, Larcenous Legislators, Crazed Celebrities, and Tar-Balled Beaches: Selected Columns
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Narrated by:
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Arte Johnson
About this listen
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • A collection of the best Miami Herald columns from the New York Times bestselling author of Squeeze Me on burning issues like animal welfare, polluted rivers, and the broken criminal justice system.
If you think the wildest, wackiest stories that Carl Hiaasen can tell have all made it into his hilarious, bestselling novels, think again. Dance of the Reptiles collects the best of Hiaasen’s Miami Herald columns, which lay bare the stories—large and small—that demonstrate anew that truth is far stranger than fiction.
Hiaasen offers his commentary—indignant, disbelieving, sometimes righteously angry, and frequently hilarious—on issues like the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, Bernie Madoff's trial, and the shenanigans of the recent presidential elections. Whether or not you have read Carl Hiaasen before, you are in for a wild ride.
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"Entertaining... Hilarious and unnerving...for Hiaasen's ability to awaken outrage and for his eye for oddity." (Booklist)
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Story
Honey Santana, impassioned, willful, possibly bipolar, self-proclaimed "queen of lost causes", has a scheme to help rid the world of irresponsibility, indifference, and dinnertime sales calls. She's taking rude, gullible Relentless, Inc., telemarketer Boyd Shreave and his less-than-enthusiastic mistress, Eugenie, into the wilderness of Florida's Ten Thousand Islands for a gentle lesson in civility. What she doesn't know is that she's being followed by her Honey-obsessed former employer.
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Sample first!
- By Michael on 11-25-06
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Squirm
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: Kirby Heyborne
- Length: 7 hrs and 20 mins
- Unabridged
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Some facts about Billy Dickens: He once saw a biker swerve across the road in order to run over a snake. Later, that motorcycle somehow ended up at the bottom of a canal. Billy isn't the type to let things go. Some facts about Billy's family: They've lived in six different Florida towns because Billy's mom insists on getting a house near a bald eagle nest. Billy's dad left when he was four and is a total mystery. Billy has just found his dad's address - in Montana.
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Great kids book
- By Helen W. on 10-13-18
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Double Whammy
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: George Wilson
- Length: 13 hrs and 32 mins
- Unabridged
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A twisted tale of murder in the world of big-stakes bass fishing tournaments. Filled with ex-wives, evangelists, and an armed pit-bull, this is a story that could only be concocted by Carl Hiaasen, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, New York Times best-selling author, and czar of Florida noir fiction.
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Not for dog lovers
- By Tonette on 01-21-08
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Skin Tight
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: George Wilson
- Length: 14 hrs and 48 mins
- Unabridged
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This novel by Carl Hiaasen, author of Tourist Season and Native Tongue, begins as most thrillers do, with a killing. But this is no everyday, hum-drum, garden variety killing. Our hero, Nick Stranahan, a 42-year-old private investigator who has killed five men and been married five times, skewers his attacker's aorta with the razor-sharp bill of a stuffed marlin.
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Skintight
- By Chris on 08-02-04
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Assume the Worst
- The Graduation Speech You'll Never Hear
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: Carl Hiaasen
- Length: 15 mins
- Unabridged
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This is Oh, the Places You'll Never Go - the ultimate hilarious, cynical, but absolutely realistic view of a college graduate's future. And what he or she can or can't do about it. "This commencement address will never be given, because graduation speakers are supposed to offer encouragement and inspiration. That's not what you need. You need a warning." So begins Carl Hiaasen's attempt to prepare young men and women for their future. And who better to warn them about their precarious paths forward than Carl Hiaasen?
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Practical, If Shopworn Wisdom. But not worth...
- By Advocatus Peregrini on 06-23-18
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Lucky You
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: George Newbern
- Length: 12 hrs and 2 mins
- Unabridged
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Grange, Florida, is famous for its miracles - the weeping fiberglass Madonna, the Road-Stain Jesus, the stigmata man. And now it has JoLayne Lucks, unlikely winner of the state lottery. Unfortunately, JoLayne's winning ticket isn't the only one. The other belongs to Bodean Gazzer and his raunchy sidekick, Chub, who believe they're entitled to the whole $28 million jackpot. And they need it quickly, to start their own underground militia before NATO troops invade America. But JoLayne Lucks has her own plans for the Lotto money - an Eden-like forest in Grange must be saved from strip-malling.
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Not Hiaasen's best work
- By Jimmy on 06-18-13
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Bad Monkey
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: Arte Johnson
- Length: 11 hrs and 25 mins
- Unabridged
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Andrew Yancy—late of the Miami Police and soon-to-be-late of the Monroe County sheriff’s office—has a human arm in his freezer. There’s a logical (Hiaasenian) explanation for that, but not for how and why it parted from its shadowy owner. Yancy thinks the boating-accident/shark-luncheon explanation is full of holes, and if he can prove murder, the sheriff might rescue him from his grisly Health Inspector gig (it’s not called the roach patrol for nothing).
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Flame-out fail
- By Lars on 06-16-13
By: Carl Hiaasen
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The Downhill Lie
- A Hacker's Return to a Ruinous Sport
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: Carl Hiaasen
- Length: 5 hrs and 44 mins
- Unabridged
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Originally drawn to the game by his father, Carl Hiaasen wisely quit golfing in 1973. But some ambitions refuse to die, and as the years - and memories of shanked 7-irons - faded, it dawned on Carl that there might be one thing in life he could do better in middle age than he could as a youth. So gradually he ventured back to the dreaded driving range, this time as the father of a five-year-old son -and also as a grandfather.
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Not a Bogie but a Birdie !
- By G. Cernicky on 10-08-08
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Strip Tease
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: George Wilson
- Length: 15 hrs and 12 mins
- Unabridged
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No matter what you heard or thought about the movie version of Strip Tease, forget it. Film simply can’t catch the layers of humor, satire, and imagination that Pulitzer Prize-winning author Carl Hiaasen creates in each of his novels.
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Hilarious drama
- By Pam W on 11-14-13
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Razor Girl
- A Novel
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: John Rubinstein
- Length: 12 hrs and 20 mins
- Unabridged
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When Lane Coolman's car is bashed from behind on the road to the Florida Keys, what appears to be an ordinary accident is anything but (this is Hiaasen!). Behind the wheel of the other car is Merry Mansfield - the eponymous Razor Girl - and the crash scam is only the beginning of events that spiral crazily out of control while unleashing some of the wildest characters Hiaasen has ever set loose.
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Best book this year!
- By green ice cream garden on 09-19-16
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Chomp
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: James Van Der Beek
- Length: 6 hrs and 10 mins
- Unabridged
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When Wahoo Cray’s dad - a professional animal wrangler - takes a job with a reality TV show called Expedition Survival!, Wahoo figures he'll have to do a bit of wrangling himself to keep his father from killing Derek Badger, the show's inept and egotistical star. But the job keeps getting more complicated: Derek Badger insists on using wild animals for his stunts; and Wahoo's acquired a shadow named Tuna - a girl who's sporting a shiner courtesy of her father and needs a place to hide out.
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Performance
- By Janet on 04-21-12
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Hoot
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: Chad Lowe
- Length: 6 hrs and 25 mins
- Unabridged
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Everybody loves Mother Paula's pancakes. Everybody, that is, except the colony of cute but endangered owls that live on the building site of the new restaurant. Can the awkward new kid and his feral friend prank the pancake people out of town? Or is the owls' fate cemented in pancake batter?
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HOOT
- By Joseph on 12-05-03
By: Carl Hiaasen
What listeners say about Dance of the Reptiles
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- HIYBRID
- 06-11-19
Three scoops of classic Carl
If you've never read this fellows stories... Where the heck have you been????? His characters are graduates of Walt Disney mental hospital. The plots more twisted than spaghetti cooked. I can't help being drawn in and binge reading for hours. Bravo Carl Bravo!!!
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2 people found this helpful
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- DONA
- 11-02-17
APT FOR TODAY
I was going to call this review a History of Today. It is so very relevant to 2017 and the American political landscape that I kept being amused by the irony. The author cares about creation and the ecology of Florida's inland as well as the popular coastal vacation areas. He also cares about the economy and the people who retire to the state, thinking it will be a good place to live out the rest of their lives in warmth and comfort.
Hiaasen is not writing about 2017, however, or all of American politics -- his columns from the news in Florida several years ago ironically fit todasy's climate. And, they are funny in a sarcastic way. Not being from the sunshine state I appreciated this insider's view of FL and its development over time. Incidentally, I read the book right before Hurricanes Harvey, Irma, Jose asnd Maria hit the Gulf Coast and Southern FL this year. His words seemed almost prophetic.
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1 person found this helpful
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- Sierra
- 03-13-14
Loved the stories!
Would you consider the audio edition of Dance of the Reptiles to be better than the print version?
I loved this book and the narration was spot-on. I felt the Carl Hiaasen got a little preachy in parts but overlooking that it was a great listen.
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4 people found this helpful
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- Carline
- 10-27-23
Facts
Florida’s political history provided reasonable facts for the shit show happening in 2023. Politicians are only in it for power and money.
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- Ingibjörg Kolbeins
- 03-15-14
Too local for a European
I love carl Hiaasens novels. This book is a collection of his newspaper columns. If you are not a Floridian a lot of it will go over your head. But if you are familiar with Florida polliticks I am sure you will enjoy it .
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2 people found this helpful
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- garden guru
- 12-23-14
Sad stories
Would you try another book from Carl Hiaasen and Diane Stevenson (editor) and/or Arte Johnson?
Carl Hiaasen novels are more enjoyable than this collection of true but distressing tales.
What could Carl Hiaasen and Diane Stevenson (editor) have done to make this a more enjoyable book for you?
The humor in Carl Hiaasen novels helps a great deal.
Which scene was your favorite?
No favorites here.
Do you think Dance of the Reptiles needs a follow-up book? Why or why not?
No, no follow ups, please.
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- Kelly W.
- 08-18-20
Every Republican should listen
Carl provides hilarious, 100% Libtard, hypocritical accounts of semi-recent events. I especially love his excruciatingly long diatribe on how easy it is to falsify absentee ballots in Florida . . . . while today's Democrats are pushing for cheat-by-mail all over the country. Of course, he missed the point on the salient Republican sex scandals of the era (Foley, Hastert, Craig, and Sanford).. Mark Sanford should have been singled out as the only one of the group in a heterosexual scandal 🤣🤣😂😁 -- not that there is anything wrong with that 😁😁. At least he didn't pay any hush money over it either!
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- Lisa Pinn McFaddin
- 07-14-21
Hard to finish
It was a fine book, but I was expecting traditional Hiaasen. Not enough crazy, maybe not enough Florida.
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- Ron
- 02-12-14
Great book. Required reading!
I've read pretty much all of Carl Haaasen's novels but wasn't sure how I'd like a book containing his newspaper editorials.
Wow, was I surprised. This book is brilliant. It has everything from humor to political shenanigans.
Arte Johnson is masterful as the reader.
Should be required reading for all politicians.
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8 people found this helpful
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- Shelly Dee
- 05-08-16
Love Hiaasen; hated this
Way old stuff and not a typical Hiaasen anything that I'm used to reading by him. I realize this is a compilation, but still ... disappointed.
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2 people found this helpful