
First, Become Ashes
Failed to add items
Add to Cart failed.
Add to Wish List failed.
Remove from wishlist failed.
Adding to library failed
Follow podcast failed
Unfollow podcast failed
$0.99/mo for the first 3 months

Buy for $20.24
No default payment method selected.
We are sorry. We are not allowed to sell this product with the selected payment method
-
Narrated by:
-
Aaron Landon
-
Avi Roque
-
Briggon Snow
-
Graham Halstead
-
By:
-
K.M. Szpara
About this listen
K. M. Szpara follows his explosive debut novel Docile with First, Become Ashes, a fantastic standalone adventure that explores self-discovery after trauma and outgrowing abusive origins over the course of an American road trip.
The Fellowship raised Lark to kill monsters.
His partner betrayed them to the Feds.
But Lark knows his magic is real, and he’ll do anything to complete his quest.
For 30 years, the Fellowship of the Anointed isolated its members, conditioning them to believe that pain is power. That magic is suffering. That the world beyond the fence has fallen prey to monsters. But when their leader is arrested, all her teachings come into question.
Those touched by the Fellowship face a choice: How will they adjust to the world they were taught to fear, and how will they relate to the cult's last crusader, Lark? For Kane, survival means rejecting the magic he and his lover suffered for. For Deryn, the cult's collapse is an opportunity to prove they are worth as much as their Anointed brother. For Calvin, lark is the alluring embodiment of the magic he's been seeking his entire life.
But for Lark, the Fellowship isn’t over. Before he can begin to discover himself and heal a lifetime of traumas, he has a monster to slay.
First, Become Ashes contains explicit sadomasochism and sexual content, as well as abuse and consent violations, including rape.
A Macmillan Audio production from Tor.com
©2021 K.M. Szpara (P)2021 Macmillan AudioListeners also enjoyed...
-
Slayers: A Buffyverse Story
- By: Christopher Golden, Amber Benson
- Narrated by: Amber Benson, Charisma Carpenter, James Charles Leary, and others
- Length: 8 hrs and 2 mins
- Original Recording
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
Original cast members from the beloved TV series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, reunite for an all-new adventure about connections that never die—even if you bury them. A decade has passed since the epic final battle that concluded Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV). The game-changing spell that gave power to all potential Slayers persists. With new Slayers constantly emerging, things are looking grim for the bad guys.
-
-
A dream come true
- By Anonymous User on 10-12-23
By: Christopher Golden, and others
-
Reforged
- By: Seth Haddon
- Narrated by: Gary Furlong
- Length: 12 hrs and 15 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
Since time immemorial the warriors of the Paladin Order have harnessed arcane powers to protect their rulers. For Balen, who has given up his chance at love and fought his way to the top of the Paladin Order, there can be no greater honor than to serve his king. But when assassins annihilate the royal family, Balen suddenly finds himself sworn to serve the very man he abandoned. Now with their nation threatened by enemies both within and outside the kingdom, Balen must fight hidden traitors and unnatural assassins, while also contending with the biting wit and dangerous charm of King Zavrius.
-
-
Pretty good for a debut novel
- By Oinkers on 09-05-23
By: Seth Haddon
-
Summer Sons
- By: Lee Mandelo
- Narrated by: Will Damron
- Length: 12 hrs and 38 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
Andrew and Eddie did everything together, best friends bonded more deeply than brothers, until Eddie left Andrew behind to start his graduate program at Vanderbilt. Six months later, only days before Andrew was to join him in Nashville, Eddie dies of an apparent suicide. He leaves Andrew a horrible inheritance: a roommate he doesn’t know, friends he never asked for, and a gruesome phantom that hungers for him.
-
-
A surprise of the best variety!
- By Blayne on 10-04-21
By: Lee Mandelo
-
Under the Whispering Door
- By: TJ Klune
- Narrated by: Kirt Graves
- Length: 14 hrs and 54 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
Welcome to Charon's Crossing. The tea is hot, the scones are fresh, and the dead are just passing through. When a reaper comes to collect Wallace from his own funeral, Wallace begins to suspect he might be dead. And when Hugo, the owner of a peculiar tea shop, promises to help him cross over, Wallace decides he’s definitely dead.
-
-
Lovely, simply lovely
- By DDB on 09-23-21
By: TJ Klune
-
The Fragile Threads of Power
- By: V. E. Schwab
- Narrated by: Kate Reading, Marisa Calin, Michael Kramer
- Length: 21 hrs and 35 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
Once, there were four worlds, nestled like pages in a book, each pulsing with fantastical power and connected by a single city: London. Until the magic grew too fast and forced the worlds to seal the doors between them in a desperate gamble to protect their own. The few magicians who could still open the doors grew more rare as time passed and now, only three Antari are known in recent memory—Kell Maresh of Red London, Delilah Bard of Grey London, and Holland Vosijk, of White London.
-
-
Best in the series!
- By Pat on 10-09-23
By: V. E. Schwab
-
Manhunt
- By: Gretchen Felker-Martin
- Narrated by: Katherine Pucciariello
- Length: 10 hrs and 37 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
Beth and Fran spend their days traveling the ravaged New England coast, hunting feral men and harvesting their organs in a gruesome effort to ensure they'll never face the same fate. Robbie lives by his gun and one hard-learned motto: other people aren't safe. After a brutal accident entwines the three of them, this found family of survivors must navigate murderous TERFs, a sociopathic billionaire bunker brat, and awkward relationship dynamics—all while outrunning packs of feral men, and their own demons.
-
-
Gross, fun, gutsy pulp at its best.
- By Rain on 03-04-22
-
Slayers: A Buffyverse Story
- By: Christopher Golden, Amber Benson
- Narrated by: Amber Benson, Charisma Carpenter, James Charles Leary, and others
- Length: 8 hrs and 2 mins
- Original Recording
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
Original cast members from the beloved TV series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, reunite for an all-new adventure about connections that never die—even if you bury them. A decade has passed since the epic final battle that concluded Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV). The game-changing spell that gave power to all potential Slayers persists. With new Slayers constantly emerging, things are looking grim for the bad guys.
-
-
A dream come true
- By Anonymous User on 10-12-23
By: Christopher Golden, and others
-
Reforged
- By: Seth Haddon
- Narrated by: Gary Furlong
- Length: 12 hrs and 15 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
Since time immemorial the warriors of the Paladin Order have harnessed arcane powers to protect their rulers. For Balen, who has given up his chance at love and fought his way to the top of the Paladin Order, there can be no greater honor than to serve his king. But when assassins annihilate the royal family, Balen suddenly finds himself sworn to serve the very man he abandoned. Now with their nation threatened by enemies both within and outside the kingdom, Balen must fight hidden traitors and unnatural assassins, while also contending with the biting wit and dangerous charm of King Zavrius.
-
-
Pretty good for a debut novel
- By Oinkers on 09-05-23
By: Seth Haddon
-
Summer Sons
- By: Lee Mandelo
- Narrated by: Will Damron
- Length: 12 hrs and 38 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
Andrew and Eddie did everything together, best friends bonded more deeply than brothers, until Eddie left Andrew behind to start his graduate program at Vanderbilt. Six months later, only days before Andrew was to join him in Nashville, Eddie dies of an apparent suicide. He leaves Andrew a horrible inheritance: a roommate he doesn’t know, friends he never asked for, and a gruesome phantom that hungers for him.
-
-
A surprise of the best variety!
- By Blayne on 10-04-21
By: Lee Mandelo
-
Under the Whispering Door
- By: TJ Klune
- Narrated by: Kirt Graves
- Length: 14 hrs and 54 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
Welcome to Charon's Crossing. The tea is hot, the scones are fresh, and the dead are just passing through. When a reaper comes to collect Wallace from his own funeral, Wallace begins to suspect he might be dead. And when Hugo, the owner of a peculiar tea shop, promises to help him cross over, Wallace decides he’s definitely dead.
-
-
Lovely, simply lovely
- By DDB on 09-23-21
By: TJ Klune
-
The Fragile Threads of Power
- By: V. E. Schwab
- Narrated by: Kate Reading, Marisa Calin, Michael Kramer
- Length: 21 hrs and 35 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
Once, there were four worlds, nestled like pages in a book, each pulsing with fantastical power and connected by a single city: London. Until the magic grew too fast and forced the worlds to seal the doors between them in a desperate gamble to protect their own. The few magicians who could still open the doors grew more rare as time passed and now, only three Antari are known in recent memory—Kell Maresh of Red London, Delilah Bard of Grey London, and Holland Vosijk, of White London.
-
-
Best in the series!
- By Pat on 10-09-23
By: V. E. Schwab
-
Manhunt
- By: Gretchen Felker-Martin
- Narrated by: Katherine Pucciariello
- Length: 10 hrs and 37 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
Beth and Fran spend their days traveling the ravaged New England coast, hunting feral men and harvesting their organs in a gruesome effort to ensure they'll never face the same fate. Robbie lives by his gun and one hard-learned motto: other people aren't safe. After a brutal accident entwines the three of them, this found family of survivors must navigate murderous TERFs, a sociopathic billionaire bunker brat, and awkward relationship dynamics—all while outrunning packs of feral men, and their own demons.
-
-
Gross, fun, gutsy pulp at its best.
- By Rain on 03-04-22
-
The Eidolon
- The Magnus Academy, Book 1
- By: K.D. Edwards
- Narrated by: Josh Hurley
- Length: 6 hrs and 49 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
In the epic conclusion to K.D. Edwards' first blockbuster trilogy in the Tarot Sequence series, audiences followed Rune on a race against time as an age-old threat rose to threaten the city of New Atlantis. Now, for the first time, The Eidolon tells what really happened to Max, Quinn, and Anna as prisoners in the Hourglass Throne's base of operation.
-
-
Down the rabbit hole and through pocket dimensions
- By 🔥 Phx17 🔥 on 03-01-23
By: K.D. Edwards
-
The Hollow Places
- By: T. Kingfisher
- Narrated by: Hillary Huber
- Length: 9 hrs and 43 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
"Pray they are hungry." Kara finds these words in the mysterious bunker that she’s discovered behind a hole in the wall of her uncle's house. Freshly divorced and living back at home, Kara now becomes obsessed with these cryptic words and starts exploring the peculiar bunker - only to discover that it holds portals to countless alternate realities. But these places are haunted by creatures that seem to hear thoughts...and the more you fear them, the stronger they become.
-
-
This could have been a great suspense novel.
- By Graham KUNISCH on 10-28-20
By: T. Kingfisher
-
Light from Uncommon Stars
- By: Ryka Aoki
- Narrated by: Cindy Kay
- Length: 13 hrs and 13 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
Shizuka Satomi made a deal with the devil: To escape damnation, she must entice seven other violin prodigies to trade their souls for success. She has already delivered six. When Katrina Nguyen, a young transgender runaway, catches Shizuka's ear with her wild talent, Shizuka can almost feel the curse lifting. She's found her final candidate. But in a donut shop off a bustling highway in the San Gabriel Valley, Shizuka meets Lan Tran, retired starship captain, interstellar refugee, and mother of four.
-
-
Awesome with a few hitches.
- By Levi Fay on 10-01-21
By: Ryka Aoki
-
A Strange and Stubborn Endurance
- By: Foz Meadows
- Narrated by: James Fouhey, Vikas Adam
- Length: 18 hrs and 55 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
Velasin vin Aaro never planned to marry at all, let alone a girl from neighboring Tithena. When an ugly confrontation reveals his preference for men, Vel fears he’s ruined the diplomatic union before it can even begin. But while his family is ready to disown him, the Tithenai envoy has a different solution: for Vel to marry his former intended’s brother instead.
-
-
An ambitious and enjoyable read.
- By S. L. Garner on 07-28-22
By: Foz Meadows
-
A Deadly Education
- A Novel (The Scholomance, Book 1)
- By: Naomi Novik
- Narrated by: Anisha Dadia
- Length: 10 hrs and 59 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
I decided that Orion Lake needed to die after the second time he saved my life. Everyone loves Orion Lake. Everyone else, that is. Far as I’m concerned, he can keep his flashy combat magic to himself. I’m not joining his pack of adoring fans. I don’t need help surviving the Scholomance, even if they do. Forget the hordes of monsters and cursed artifacts; I’m probably the most dangerous thing in the place. Just give me a chance and I’ll level mountains and kill untold millions, making myself the dark queen of the world.
-
-
Intersting concept, way too much self pity
- By Rune on 10-13-20
By: Naomi Novik
-
A Marvellous Light
- The Last Binding, Book 1
- By: Freya Marske
- Narrated by: David Thorpe
- Length: 14 hrs and 30 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
Robin Blyth has more than enough bother in his life. When an administrative mistake sees him named the civil service liaison to a hidden magical society, he discovers what’s been operating beneath the unextraordinary reality he’s always known.
-
-
From Good to OK
- By Little J on 11-08-21
By: Freya Marske
-
Boyfriend Material
- By: Alexis Hall
- Narrated by: Joe Jameson
- Length: 13 hrs and 11 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
Luc O'Donnell is tangentially - and reluctantly - famous. His rock-star parents split when he was young, and the father he's never met spent the next 20 years cruising in and out of rehab. Now that his dad's making a comeback, Luc's back in the public eye, and one compromising photo is enough to ruin everything. To clean up his image, Luc has to find a nice normal relationship...and Oliver Blackwood is as nice and normal as they come. He's a barrister, an ethical vegetarian, and someone who has never inspired a moment of scandal in his life. He’s perfect boyfriend material.
-
-
The right material!
- By Cranky Reader on 07-08-20
By: Alexis Hall
-
Cast in Shadows
- Shadow's Lure, Book 1
- By: Alice Winters
- Narrated by: Greg Boudreaux
- Length: 9 hrs and 41 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
When the light-magic users known as Casters took everything from me, I vowed to make them pay. Little did I know the perfect opportunity would show up in the form of a sweet Caster the moment I took his arrow to the heart…literally. Bastian knows that I’m made of dark magic, the very thing he’s been taught to destroy. But instead of turning away from me, he takes a chance on me, leading me behind the walls of the group out to kill me.
-
-
I have many questions
- By Maryellen in Metsland on 08-08-23
By: Alice Winters
-
One True Mate Series Bundle
- Books 1-4
- By: Lisa Ladew
- Narrated by: Michael Pauley
- Length: 33 hrs and 16 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
An all wolf-shifter police force has been the only thing between humans and an unknown evil for centuries, but the pack is in danger of dying if they don't find their promised mates soon. This bundle contains all four books in the One True Mate series.
-
-
Hang through the first book!
- By Marie A. on 01-23-19
By: Lisa Ladew
-
The God of Endings
- A Novel
- By: Jacqueline Holland
- Narrated by: Saskia Maarleveld
- Length: 16 hrs and 45 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
Collette LeSange is a lonely artist who heads an elite fine arts school for children in upstate New York. Her youthful beauty masks the dark truth of her life: she has endured centuries of turmoil and heartache in the wake of her grandfather’s long-ago decision to make her immortal like himself. Now in 1984, Collette finds her life upended by the arrival of a gifted child from a troubled home, the return of a stalking presence from her past, and her own mysteriously growing hunger.
-
-
I enjoyed the story. Excellent narrator.
- By Stacey on 03-29-23
-
We Could Be So Good
- A Novel
- By: Cat Sebastian
- Narrated by: Joel Leslie
- Length: 11 hrs and 46 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
Nick Russo has worked his way from a rough Brooklyn neighborhood to a reporting job at one of the city’s biggest newspapers. But the late 1950s are a hostile time for gay men, and Nick knows that he can’t let anyone into his life. He just never counted on meeting someone as impossible to say no to as Andy. Andy Fleming’s newspaper-tycoon father wants him to take over the family business. Andy, though, has no intention of running the paper. He’s barely able to run his life.
-
-
Be still, my cynical heart.
- By Kelsey Riddle on 06-09-23
By: Cat Sebastian
-
Inception
- By: Bianca Scardoni
- Narrated by: Bailey Carr
- Length: 14 hrs and 7 mins
- Unabridged
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
My name is Jemma Blackburn, and I have a secret. I know vampires are real. I watched one murder my father eight months ago, and even though they tried to convince me it didn't happen - that I'd lost touch with reality due to the trauma, I know what I saw was real. Hollow Hills is now the place I call home. It was supposed to be my chance at a normal life. My chance to bury my secret and start over.
-
-
Change Narration Speed to 1.25x
- By Nicole on 01-29-17
By: Bianca Scardoni
What listeners say about First, Become Ashes
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
- John Edward
- 04-09-24
Uneven but some really great writing from Szpara
A little bit of good, experienced editing and this could have been a really great read. I thought the female narrators weren't up to the standard of the rest of the performances and material. The men were excellent. The ending is too rushed. Surely after so much compelling, thought provoking drama one wouldn't have expected the conclusion to just fall into place without some thoroughly, deep, lush and twisted emotions, especially with such complicated dynamics between several characters. I think it could have been better if the author had taken out some repetitive material in the middle of the book and elaborated on the new situations and relationships in the last chapters which I thought were very unsatisfying. I also admit to getting lost and confused sometimes in the audiobook because scenes can change very quickly without warning or resolution. But it is worth sticking to it because parts are riveting. There's some absolutely beautiful writing here and I intend to read it again. I looking forward to the next book because the author has some real potential, IMHO.
Something went wrong. Please try again in a few minutes.
You voted on this review!
You reported this review!
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
- Jenn
- 04-10-21
Great, unique concept, but execution fell flat.
K.M. Szpara is an inclusive author who is masterful at taking on difficult topics and presenting them in a way that is wholly unique. That said, I'm not sure we will ever see a warm, fuzzy, "feel good" novel from him, and I think that's absolutely fine. He isn't for everyone, and this book isn't for everyone.
Stated trigger warnings: Contains explicit sadomasochism, sexual content, abuse and consent violations. Reviewer Note: The trigger warnings as stated should be preceded by the word "extreme" and explicitly state rape. If these topics are in the vicinity of triggering for you, please do not read this book. I cannot emphasize that enough.
Review: I found myself shaking throughout this novel, shaking with anticipation, anger/rage, anxiety, frustration, grief/sadness. I wanted to scream, cry, and, on occasion, smile. It's a very emotionally exhausting read/listen.
Set in present day, this is the story of what happens when faith is used to manipulate and commit atrocities that are nearly beyond comprehension. It's about people who are left in the wake of those atrocities and what they discover about themselves while discovering the world. This is a story about reconciling realities, about wanting so desperately to believe, and believing because the alternative is unfathomable. It's also about recognizing that reality isn't always an either/or.
This story largely follows:
1./ 24 year old Lark as he goes on a quest/road trip after being freed from a cult and subsequently breaking out of FBI custody.
2./ Lark's brave, amazing 25 year old partner Kane whose actions led to the arrest of cult leader Nova and the destruction of the cult. He is chasing his love, Lark, with FBI Detective Miller and Lark's brother Deryn in tow.
3./ Cosplay Calvin, the "outsider" who meets a Lark on the run and decides to help him with best friend Lillian in tow. He does it because of his own desire to believe/see that there is magic in the world and that Lark can show it to him... that and apparently Lark is hot.
Are there monsters in the world? Yes, but they come in all forms and aren't equally recognizable by all.
Is there magic in the world? Maybe, but magic doesn't mean the same thing to everyone. If it exists and comes at a cost, is it a price worth paying?
For those that are expecting a book like Docile, this isn't it. For those that haven't read Docile, I highly recommend it. Each book is very unique, and the only similarities are the far ranging list of trigger warnings eliciting wide ranging emotions. I loved Docile, and while I appreciated this book, I didn't find the characters to have as much depth or evolve as much as they did in that novel. I couldn't fully appreciate these characters. Some (Calvin and Deryn) were just downright annoying.
I didn't find the end satisfying. Allllll the Kane and Lark throughout the novel, and what we're given in the end was just... meh. There's a lot of backstory, but so little detail about what happened to these characters "later" (as the end chapters are so aptly titled... not a spoiler this is in the table of contents) that it drove my star rating from a 4 to a 3. Calvin, not Kane, is given the last chapter (also in the table of contents)... seriously? It was not sufficient at all and did a disservice to the reader who spent quite a lot of time and emotional investment on the journey.
Format: I listened to this book on Audible, in one sitting. The narrator delivers an engaging performance worthy of this complex and highly emotional work.
Something went wrong. Please try again in a few minutes.
You voted on this review!
You reported this review!
4 people found this helpful
-
Overall
-
Performance
-
Story
- LbsZ
- 04-19-21
Missed Opportunity
It was a really interesting premise to use cosplay/larping as the basis for a cult! It frees readers from the baggage of picking on a specific religion or real world cult and points out how ANY set of ideas could become a cult. This is thrown away, though, when the book refuses to answer the question, is magic real or not? That, combined with weak character development and no Inception-esque big-idea made this a really hard book to enjoy. It is a missed opportunity to identify what makes a cult a cult and how people can be resilient against those tactics.
Docile was exceptional at character development and making me empathize with the characters’ circumstances (poverty, oppression, survival, family, etc.). Ashes made me hate every single character, none of whom really develop. It had a lot of potential and the voice actors are great, though.
Something went wrong. Please try again in a few minutes.
You voted on this review!
You reported this review!
1 person found this helpful